A combination of things have happened lately to make me feel compelled to write about this topic. The main one is that I’m starting my acupuncture internship at a fertility focused clinic. Other more personal recent events around me also sparked this conversation for me. Forewarning that this content may be triggering for you if you have experienced this, or someone close to you.
I definitely think that even the term ‘miscarriage’ implies that the fetus was ‘miss carried’ by the holder. I cannot touch on this topic without addressing that most girls and women feel that when this happens to them it was their fault. That they did something incorrect, that their body is faulty, their less of a woman with damaged infertile soil.
When I was six years old and my brother was four, my Mom got pregnant again. I begged her every night for a year when she tucked me in to bed to talk to my Dad about having another baby. Then one day by some miracle, she was expecting a baby. This news made me feel like it was my child too, that I had manifested a being into the world with my wishes. I think this was the first time I ever felt like, ‘okay yeah maybe god is real’.
And then one day I walked into my room, and it was the first time I saw my own Mother crying. And by crying I do not mean tears, I been bawling her soul out. She was trying to put my laundry away and couldn’t.
I asked her what was wrong and she couldn’t even speak, she lead me to her bed where my Dad, brother, and I all sat down. She told me the baby was no longer inside of her.
This was so confusing. Suddenly it went from picking names because she was in her second trimester, SIX months pregnant- everyone knew. To radiophone silence, after that day we never spoke about it again altogether. My parents divorced four years later, and these two experiences were my first life lessons at 6 and 10 about loss and grief. Even then I knew it was so bizarre, where did the baby even go? The soul? I felt so strongly it was a little girl, my first sister I even named her Emma (most likely because even at six I was watching Friends and Rachel had named her baby Emma).
At 28 I’m writing this with tears in my eyes because a month or so ago my friend had a miscarriage. I’ve had this happen around me many times but it always feels the same. Especially the time a friend of mine had a still birth. That woke my childhood trauma right up. A book that I highly recommend for anyone with this trauma is ‘Spirit Babies’ by Walter Makichen. It really helped me to spiritually understand the options that are possible.
The only thing that helps is talking about it. Being able to say I am scared, nervous, this happened to be before etc. To allow the conversation about the fact that life and death run hand in hand. We never know what is going to happen, our breath is precious and fragile.
Thinking about starting my internship next week my intention is to learn how to hold space for whatever comes up. Whether that’s someone trying to get pregnant, is pregnant, or recently miscarried. I want to learn how to be able to create space between myself and the experience emotionally so that I don’t cry every time a patient experiences loss. I am curious about doing this kind of work but I also know it’s going to be a combination of opposites whether thats excitement, nervousness, fear, or grief.
I do really believe now from healing this for myself that sometimes something shifts, the environment isn’t right, the divine plan changes. It can be really hard to just trust and to try to just focus on creating the best environment internally and externally too bring life into the world. A huge burden of stress can be lifted if women feel that they can more easily speak about the fact that miscarriages are very common, happen daily around the world, and that it is never one persons fault if they do.